How to Censor Yourself in Three Easy Steps (and Enjoy doing it)
In our current society you would have thought that swearing would have become a lot more accepted. It is after all only language, and some of the “heavier” profanities are all from good Anglo Saxon sources. I sometimes consider myself to veer towards the prudish, but even I like to vent a bit of the old blue language every now and again. Sometimes it really is the only way to get the point across, and is not as has been claimed by some a sign of a limited vocabulary. For heaven’s sake I have been known to use the word meritocracy in the past.
It has been suggested by a Scottish Comedian (either Billy Connolly or Jerry Sadowitz, who both like a bit of the f’ing and b’ing) that it isn’t the supposed offending words that cause the harm. Sometimes it is the words that surround them. Supposedly innocent words like off or get to go quite often with f**k. They add the extra dimension that causes the offence. If anyone can remeber who came up with this one let me know, its going to drive me up the wall.
So, for the sake of those who deal with people who don’t like swearing, here is a three part guide to toning it down.
Step One: Identify the words to be changed. In this case the favourites seem to be antomical references or sexual ones.
Step Two: Find an alternative to put in place. (fandango, burnt umber and heliotrope are some of my favourties, though you could always take something more topical like trams as your source, they seem to be annoying loads of people at the moment in Edinburgh)
Step Three: Substitute the new word for the old one. For example when being jostled in a crowd you could always tell the person annoying you to:
“Tram off”
Or
Ask them: “What The Tramming Flip Flop do you think you are doing.
As an additional part to all this be as inventive as possible, and use as much vehmence as you would with the original phrases. Surely after all no one can take offence at being told to:
“Get the gherkin herring away from me or I’ll smash your double glazed isotopes in”
Dave
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Leithal Yak 
I’m afraid random words simply won’t do as expletives. They don’t provide the same satisfying sense of relief for you, and your audience will assume that you are suffering from a stroke or Alzheimer’s.
I always rather liked the invented swear word ‘Naff’ from the 70s TV comedy Porridge: a blunt monosyllable with consonants that require the appropriate sharp, dismissive exhalation of breath. Almost as good as ‘Fuck’ really – except that it tends not to offend people.