I’ve just read an article in which a commission set up by the Beckley foundation, a British charity dedicated to exploring the science of psychoactive substances, has come to the conclusion that there should be a change in the law to make cannabis legal, both to use and sell. However, we all know that due to the fact that politicians come from the planet Itwasneeme and as extra terrestrials are incapable of inhaling other than through their speech faculties (arses). This will of course never happen at least until it’s legal to shoot your ageing granny, turn her into fertiliser and sell her on to the local garden centre. Where of course you would be able to use your ill gotten gains to purchase a hydroponic set up to start your own cannabis empire.
But lets just for a moment imagine that our politicians gave a shit and were prepared to put themselves out on a limb to find a solution to one small part of the UK’s drug problem.
2012. April. Cannabis is legalised, and government starts to hand out licences to growers. They expect the first crop to be ready within six months. It is in fact ready within two weeks due to the incredible advances made within the home grown industry.This is the first sign of the entrepreneurship hidden within our housing estates.
2012. May. Electricity consumption soars as home based workers are recruited in their thousands.
2012. June. Various government-sponsored agencies, who are tasked with giving support and training to new business start-ups, almost all in deprived areas of the UK, ask for urgent meetings with government to discuss increased funding.
2012. July. The unemployed numbers drop from 3 million to 2 million as the distribution networks for cannabis go PAYE. Questions are asked in the house as to why it took the government so long to initiate this change in the law. Government tax revenue increases by £24 million pounds in the first quarter. Inland Revenue officers investigate over 10,000 individuals for tax evasion, they plead ignorance and point to the fact that no training assistance was available to them, they were therefore unable to gain the necessary business skills to produce books making their accounting impossible. Government announces £12 million investment in business start-up training programmes.
2012. August. The employment office, notices even larger decreases in the numbers claiming benefit, they are unable to pinpoint the exact reasons but believe it may be due to a new entrepreneurial spirit sweeping the housing estates of Britain. One young individual interviewed by Jeremy Paxman is quoted as saying ‘ if that heid banger Rab can make a grand a week. I’m bloody sure I can, at least I finished school’. Government announces job losses in the prison service, due to catastrophic drop in prison numbers. A spokesman for the prison officers union, says they will strike unless the government criminalise the sale of cannabis once again. No one pays any attention as the prison population is too stoned to riot.
2012. September. Government announces 25% rise in clean up rate for burglaries, which coupled with the drop countrywide in the number of burglaries, will mean police can once again spend 75% of their time on government statistical paperwork. Insurance companies announce record profits, due to a drop in the number of claims, a spokesman said that this fall off was particularly noticeable in thefts from cars. They also start to settle claims resulting from the floods of 2004. M. C. A. The Manchester Cannabis Association prepare their stock market launch, having rejected Richard Branson’s £500 million offer for the company.
2012. October. M.C.A. realise over £100 million at the stock market launch, a Labour spokesman insists the government should impose a windfall tax, as the 75% tax burden on growers and sellers of cannabis is obviously too low. The government announces a 60% drop in available council housing. this is due to the unprecedented rise in applications for the purchase of council house stock by council house tenants. Sales of black S.U.Vs have a waiting list of up to two years.
2012. November. Harrow School admits its first council estate pupil, denying the rumour that said pupils father had donated £1 million to the schools on going refurbishment a spokesman pointed out, as long as a pupil could pay for a top hat and tails they would happily accept him. Government tax revenues from the cannabis industry for the first two quarters of 2012 top £200 million. The C.E.O. of M.C.A., Jo Jo-smart mouth-McPherson is arrested for assaulting Jeremy Paxman during an interview. 240 MPs sign a petition in support of Mr McPherson, stating Paxman got what he asked for. The actual question asked was ‘you wouldn’t hit someone simply because they made you look a bit silly’, a spokesman for the MPs stated this question was tantamount to incitement.
2012. December.————————————- you decide!