Bankers are Bastards


I have to be perfectly frank here; I have never enjoyed dealing with Banks. Ever since my first timorous steps into the bank manager’s office, business plan in hand, I have found them to be difficult obstructive and surprisingly ignorant. In my entrepreneurial innocence I arrived for a meeting with the bank manager only to discover it was in fact the accountant, as the branch no longer had a bank manager. Said accountant promptly informed me that he would arrange a meeting with a business manager as he did not have the authority to deal with business accounts, why did he bother meeting me in the first place, why not simply arrange a meeting with a business manager. Two hours wasted, two weeks later I had my meeting with the business manager who promptly informed me any decision on the loan would take 6 to 10 weeks but not to worry based on the business plan it would be a breeze.

To cut a long story short 10 weeks later I was informed that it was bank policy not to loan on the type of business I was attempting to set up. Of course by that time it didn’t matter anyway the opportunity had passed and four months work had been wasted. The only question I got an answer to, that in retrospect, was of any use to me at all was when I asked him what business experience he had. He had none, he had worked for the bank since leaving school at 18, was 32 years old, had never run a business, had never managed a business and in effect simply had a set of rules and guidelines which governed every decision he made, these were generated by other bankers who had no doubt never run a business either. Lesson learned I never again wrote a business plan about the business I simply wrote a plan that fitted the banks criteria, yes it works.

Now the media are telling all of us poor ignorant peasants that the bankers are risk takers, crap. The decision-makers in banks are not producers, or entrepreneurs and most certainly do not fall into any category of risk taker, as I understand it. What decision-making banker has personally risked anything? I differentiate between decision-making bankers and those poor drones that do follow the rules, the guys who are losing their jobs through no fault of their own, through no risk they took. The aforementioned business manager is highly unlikely to be responsible for any of the toxic debt as his decisions are generally made by a spreadsheet created by some backroom actuary.

The only people who can override the actuarial God’s are so high up the ivory tower NASA could use them for satellite maintenance. In the present financial climate they have reverted to type, they will take our money, that is your money, make a profit with it, tie everything down tighter than a duck’s arse until their balance sheets look healthy again and sod the down turn. Apparently professional politicians, Mr Brown, Mr Cameron et al, having never spent any time in the real world don’t realise this.

The entrepreneurs and genuine risk takers funds will continue todry up and the stagnant pond created by the bankers will grow little by little as it sucks in viable, functioning businesses forcing them to pay for their greed and incompetence with higher overdraft charges and loan payments if they are indeed fortunate enough to get an overdraft or loan. There is no risk when the taxpayer and prudent businesses are paying for the mistakes of the fat cat cushioned bankers. If your life is about to crumble before your eyes who’s giving you the golden hand shake? Not the banks, all you’ll get from them are letters doubling charges, or cancelling your overdraft, or god forbid calling in your mortgage.

4 Responses

  1. Things have always been stacked in the banks favour. As they have binned bank managers, we have had to settle (and pay) for a business managers time. None of whom have ever run a business, instead, they try to sell you their services, time or software.

    I agree with everything you have said. How or why we should ever have bailed the banks this way is beyond me. Not only that, these same banks, when they do go into profit, thanks to the UK public, will benefit from massive tax breaks as they offset their losses against futire profits.

    Heads we lose, tails we lose! The likes of Gordon Brown are just putty in their hands. If the boot was on the other foot, the banks would never have stumped up £37bn with no due diligence or warranties. They needed a mug and they found one in the form of Gordon Brown and his cronies and we shall all have to pay the price.

  2. Thanks for leaving your comment on Leithal Yak.

    I will never understand why banks in particular never have enough business managers for the workload. They act like they are doing us a favour not infact providing a paid for service.Best thing that could come out of this is a new way of raising capital. I hear both Essex and Birmingham councils are stting up lending facilities for local businesses, profit for them and loss of custom for the banks, the best of both worlds.

  3. I agree, lets hope moe councils follow suit. One other thing the councils could do to help themselves and that is to publicise the fact that business rates, which are often some 55% of a businesses rent, are a government tax, NOT a local tax. In other words, all of the money collected goes direct to the treasury!

  4. I have looked over your blog a few times and I love it.

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